saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
