stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
