My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Randomize
