just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
