Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
