I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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