I met the friendliest cop last night
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
