So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
