I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
