i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
