i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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