Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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