i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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