wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
