eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
