if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
