I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
