i think my tv is drunk
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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