watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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