Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
