24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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