tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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