I'm sorry my penis didn't work
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
