I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
