I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
