the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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