I think I died a long time ago.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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