so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
