the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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