When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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