so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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