When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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