2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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