I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
