I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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