i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
