Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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