i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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