I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
