I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
