i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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