In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
