i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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