My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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