please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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