Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Randomize
