hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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