You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
