Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
