The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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