drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
This toilet bowl is my home.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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