it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
