I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
