I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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