hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
are you so shy because you have an std?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize