highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Randomize
