Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
