nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize