Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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