I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
